HORMONES: THE NEW SCAPEGOAT FOR EVERYTHING

And you thought it stopped at evil cramps and an irrational urge to push slow people walking in front of you down the stairs. Oh, no no no (although those certain someones really need to hurry their asses up). The monthly fluctuation of estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone is responsible for more than you think.

WHY YOU O.D. ON ADVIL: During the middle of your cycle, the estrogen levels kick way up so you can ovulate, but the sudden overload of the hormone can give you wicked headaches. If you get migraines, the high estrogen levels can make you more sensitive to triggers (like chocolate and anime) and bring on an attack more easily.

WHY YOUR FACE EXPLODES INTO AN ADOLESCENT NIGHTMARE: Pimples the like you haven’t seen since you were fifteen show up (usually on your chin) right before your period is due to start, during ovulation, and during the beginning of your cycle. All of this is due to changes in testosterone, which is in its highest rate of flux during ovulation and less so right before and right after your period.

WHY YOU WANT TO JUMP YOUR T.A.: When testosterone floods your bloodstream during ovulation, it turns you into a sex-crazed thundercat. Everyone looks delicious, your roommate’s boyfriend, the girl in front of you in organic chemistry, that guy you see in the coffee line every morning. Word of warning before you hand someone your underwear: this is also the time when you are most likely to get pregnant, so proceed with caution. Lesbians, feel free to smirk in self-satisfaction at your own good luck while your straight friends fight over the last emergency condom in the bathroom.

WHY YOU DOMINATE IN TRIVIAL PURSUIT: For some reason, women get really good at fact recall when their estrogen levels are either way up (during ovulation which is in the middle of your cycle) or in the basement (during your period). So, you could just blow off studying and reschedule all of your exams for when you’re on the rag. Although, this could turn out like that time when you slept on your book because you heard you could absorb the all of the information through osmosis.

WHY YOU SLEEP THROUGH YOUR 8 O’CLOCK: After your period, you get a shot of progesterone, which makes you all tired and sluggish. So if you’re dragging ass, its not because you stayed up until 3 am watching the Miami Ink marathon, it’s the progesterone.