WHAT THE FUCK?! Sexual Misadventures of the Mostly True Kind

By: Jenny*

By my freshman year of high school, my best friend since fourth grade, Zoë*, and I came to a mutual realization of our crushes for each other. We were relatively precocious, both intellectually and in our sexual interests. Part of the appeal of our relationship was that we knew each other so well already, and weren't inclined to bother with boys at the time, being students at an all-girl school. While we were forced to be inconspicuous in a way, it was thrilling to be sneaking around behind a closed door where the parental passer-by assumed that we were gushing over Vogue when it was more likely that we were fucking against the wall along which the Vogue subscription was stacked.

Our sexual relationship was a blur of about five months of adventures that even included an art museum bathroom, but the most memorable encounter is what I refer to most simply as The Pirate Story. A challenge we had faced with fucking at my house was the fact that my parents removed the lock from my bedroom door when I was quite young so that I wouldn't get accidentally locked in my room, and never replaced it as I got older. It was a hasty job that left my door in a state that prohibited it from remaining fully closed, and the best we could do was to making a little curtain across my room and casually prop things against the door to keep it from swinging open.

My mom was out of the house somewhere for the evening, leaving just my dad there. We decided to do a little tying up, and as we gathered whatever low-fi bondage gear we could find about the room (it usually ended up being long scarves or satin belts), we joked about the prospect of my dad walking in on us. I proposed that we explain to him that we were pretending to be pirates, and that I had been captured. We amused ourselves by continuing to add flourishes to the pirate tale as she tied the knots around my wrists and took her clothes off, and couldn't have been very far along when I remember recognizing movement from my peripheral vision in the region of my bedroom door.

I don't really remember what he said. I assume it was some sort of inquiry as to what the fuck was going on, upon seeing his daughter tied to the bedposts of her bed, a little nightdress still on (thank god), with her best friend hiding under the covers in a way that suggested that she was naked, her articles of clothing strewn across my floor. In the shock of the moment, I burst into a fit of giggles. I offered my explanation quizzically, in a way that blatantly indicated that I wasn't pretending to buy it, either.

"We're playing…pirates?"

He asked what Zoë was doing, hiding under the covers.

"She, uh…was changing clothes, and wanted some privacy, so she went under the covers."

Oh, such a giant, terrible heap of bullshit.

Through all of this, my father expressed little emotion, aside from shock. He invited us to come downstairs in a way that was casual yet not merely a suggestion. After he carefully closed the door behind him, I was hysterical with amusement, while Zoë took more of an "Oh my god, holy shit" approach, understandably. Unable to locate all of Zoë's clothes in a timely fashion, I made yet another genius move secondary only to the pirate back story in supporting the "Oh-she-was-just-changing-under-the-covers" scenario by having her change into another of my little nightdresses, allowing us to match. After coming downstairs, Zoë relaxed a bit and we tried to make the pirate game we were so clearly playing more believable by discussing it at great length within earshot as my father uncomfortably went about his business on the first floor. We stayed in the same spot, laughing at not only the absurdity of our situation, but the far more dumbfounding eagerness to convince my father of our explanation indirectly, until my mother came home. As soon as she walked in the door, we ran back upstairs and searched for Zoë's clothes, and I remained under the impression that my mother was oblivious to the goings-on in my bedroom that night until I received a surprising direct address on the matter three years later, which explained why she had banned subsequent sleepovers shortly thereafter.

When I've shared this story with the few people that I have, I often get the sympathy of, "Man, it sucks that it was your dad who caught you," but really, it wasn't. My dad is the more liberal, nondenominational half of an otherwise conservative Catholic marriage, and I cannot imagine what my mother would've done had she come home early and up to my room to say hello to Zoë. I have a feeling that I would've stuck to my pirate story, though.


*Name has been changed

AIDS and STD Testing at Wooster

All right, men, in preparation for the post-Valentine’s Day blues, we decided it was important to advertise about STD testing and clarify some myths. Avoiding the trite and true “Myth: Truth: ” structure, here’s what we have to say. This information comes from reliable first hand stories and experience.

HIV:

The College of Wooster Wellness Center is offering free HIV testing on the 21^st of February, so open wide, and get ready to swab. This test is painless, and anonymous. For those who think this is superfluous, the College's anonymous 2006 Health and Wellness Survey reported that 70.5% of us are sexually active, with 27.6% of us having had more than 1 partner. Of the students surveyed, 75% of the students had never been tested for HIV. Read about HIV transmission: http://www.avert.org/orlsx.htm

Gonorrhea and Chlamydia:

Most men probably try to avoid this test at all costs because of the horror stories of that little metal poker that they use to swab the inside of your penis. Don’t cringe in horror quite so fast. There is another method. If you resist this idea, just ask for a urine test. Pee in a cup and get your rest results in a couple of days. For those wanting to be responsible, sexually active people, this is a simple test that should be taken.

Syphilis:

Testing for syphilis requires getting blood drawn. There is really no other option for those who are needle-shy. This simply consists of drawing blood, sending it off to check for the bacteria and getting told your results. This is also a recommended test since syphilis causes “damage the internal organs, including the brain, nerves, eyes, heart, blood vessels, liver, bones, and joints.” Check out the site: http://www.cdc.gov/std/Syphilis/STDFact-Syphilis.htm#common

To read more about STD’s go to: http://www.cdc.gov/std/default.htm

Five Things Not to Do During Sex

• Don't write off foreplay, even if you're the connoisseur of quickies. Whether it's a casual hookup or a long-term relationship, spending time teasing, lavishing, and seducing your partner gives them particular attention that will get them much more revved up than they would be sans-foreplay. Foreplay can also make the sex more gratifying because of the increase of lubrication in women, plus there's a good chance that you'll want to be all over each other anyway, after at least ten minutes of holding out.

• Oral sex can run the gamut between never wrong and disastrous, depending on a number of factors such as the comfort level of the partners, communication, sobriety, and even the giver's familiarity with the genitals they're working with. Whatever the situation, be sure not to rush things, and don't be afraid to ask if you're not sure what your partner wants or likes. Pointers aren't just for virgins–good communication throughout your sex career leads to long-term good sex.

• Don't fake an orgasm. If you fake it once–particularly if you're not the greatest actor and get a bit overzealous–your partner might think that what they were doing worked well for you and that they should try it again, when in fact your faking it could explicitly mean otherwise. Even if your inability to come isn't a matter of technique (maybe your head just isn't in the game, or you're too drunk), it's still best to be honest and gently verbalize or not to make a big deal out of it then and talk about it when it's a good time or should your partner inquire. And, perhaps most concerning of all, it's a lie and can lead to other communication issues, in sex and in relationships.

• When it comes to anal sex, don't go from the ass to the mouth or vagina without changing condoms, washing hands, switching toys, et cetera. It's no secret that bacteria dwell in that general vicinity, and it's wise to try to protect each other as much as possible, even if it's a matter of latex gloves on the hands, a condom around fingers, or Saran Wrap between the mouth and the asshole. Gloves and condoms can also help prevent tissue from tearing by facilitating a smoother entry, and tearing can increase the likelihood of STD transmission.

• It's the cardinal rule, but still needs to be noted: do not allow yourself to do something you're uncomfortable with, or feel pressured to do. Being "caught up in the moment" is not an excuse to disregard condoms, having sex with someone you don't want to, or anything that could endanger your health, emotions, or sensibilities in any way. One act of unprotected sex can affect your health forever, and pregnancy can affect you for a lifetime, depending on how you or you and your partner decide to handle the situation. Be honest with yourself and clear about what your limits are.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers by Kat

From the Geek Corner:

The all-inclusive genre of speculative fiction (the technical term for science fiction and fantasy used only by the professionals and the hopelessly pretentious) is the Paris Hilton Vagina of the literary world. Nothing gets turned away by SF: it’s got elements of queer lit, adventure, romance, erotica, anything else you could possibly imagine. SF by its very definition breaks the rules of categorization, and this outlaw attitude within the genre allows for more experimentation than most other breeds of literature – sexual or otherwise.

Since most SF (other than the media darlings of the genre: Eragon, Harry Potter, and the like) is still fairly underground, writers have the opportunity to really delve into and explore more taboo topics without the fear of having publishing companies breathing down their necks. SF novels tend to serve any of these three purposes: they can be reflections of the sexual mores of our own society, they can experiment with sex as weird as they like, and they can be introductions to the kinkier side of sex for people who may not have had any other experience with it.

The Merro Tree, by Katie Waitman, is a perfect example, though sadly out of print. The main character, a humanoid alien, has a long-term relationship with another male alien, who is the equivalent of a large, sentient snake. The premise of this is of course to mirror our own society – although homosexual sex is not seen as necessarily bad, inter-species sex is illegal and immoral. The book has no explicit sex between the humanoid and the snake – the mechanics are mind-boggling – but there are enough soft-core examples to make it relevant, both with the snake and with a female jelly-alien. The comparison here isn’t with social acceptance of sex with amoebas and boa constrictors in our society, but rather with sexual acceptance in general. If you’re in love, Waitman says, or are bored, or just really want to have it off with a jelly-alien, you should be able to do so.

There are also books whose sex scenes are not meant to serve some high-handed academic purpose, but are in there just because the author felt like it. Neil Gaiman’s American Gods is one of these. In the second chapter of the book, the ancient queen of Sheba, here portrayed as a modern-day prostitute, swallows her john with her vagina.

He opens his eyes. … This is what he sees:

He is inside her to the chest, and as he stares at this in disbelief and wonder she rests both hands upon his shoulders and puts gentle pressure on his body. He slipslides further into her.

“How are you doing this to me?” he asks, or he thinks he asks, but perhaps it is only in his head.

“You’re doing it, honey,” she whispers. He feels the lips of her vulva tight around his upper chest and back, constricting and enveloping him. Neil Gaiman, American Gods, p. 30 American paperback

What is the significance of this? Well, for many people, it’s the first departure from vanilla sex in their young lives.
Yes –reading about someone being swallowed by a vagina can get you hot. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone has pristine Hollywood missionary position sex. It’s a big step for a preteen to make. The first fantasy book I purchased independently of my parents, at the age of ten, was a book called The Iron Dragon’s Daughter, which took on both tasks – the mirroring of society (in this case the problem of street kids and gangs) and including weird sex for the hell of it, of which there was a lot. In fact, this book was one of the first sexually explicit novels that I read, and my first exposure to fetishes and kink.

As more kids get into SF through Harry Potter, through Eragon, through Diana Wynne Jones and Ender’s Game, they’ll eventually stumble across the more obscure, boundary-pushing literature– engendering, perhaps, a greater tolerance for alternate sexualities, and, if nothing else, providing titillating masturbatory fantasies for geeky kids too young to fuck.

"Sextraterrestrial" by Andy Maloney, "Adventure!" by Kat B