All cynicism and bitterness aside, there’s something really attractive and comforting about seeing the Happy Healthy Couple walking around. Everyone knows a couple like that. Mine is a pair of latter-day hippies that make vegetarian lasagna, shnoogle, and learn Portuguese together. A little gross sometimes, but they reassure me that real love still exists. I need that shot in the arm every now and then, because the non-monogamous world is one that seems to often forget, ignore and even disdain Love. It’s a place where it’s easy, encouraged even, to disconnect ourselves from our partners. We seal ourselves off from risk and responsibility with condoms and Ortho Tri-Cyclen. We fight off emotional attachment with half a bottle of Old Grandad and semi-anonymous hookups. As a romantic with a fear of commitment, sex had lost its soul, and I was in trouble.
Fear not, my bedfellows, there is hope. The last bastion of non-monogamous romance can be found in the least likely place: kink, the dark horse of the romantic world. Like Ally Sheedy in the Breakfast Club, you may think kink is weird and off-putting, but when given a chance, turns out to be cool and pretty sexy. The thing that makes S+M special is that it forces you to be present, both mentally and physically, during sex. It’s more about being super connected to your partner and trusting them than getting off. Getting into kink will remind you that sex should not be a selfish thing, but a mutual give and take in order to make each other feel good. It’s everything a positive relationship should be, plus badass accessories. So, as promised, a basic crash course into the world of BDSM
VOCABULARY:
BDSM- Bondage (restraint-can be both physical and psychological) Discipline (the rules/methods of maintaining control), Domination, Submission, Sadism (you get turned on by inflicting pain: spanking, hair pulling etc.), Masochism (you get turned on by having pain inflicted on you: being spanked, having you hair pulled, etc)
S+M- sadism and masochism
Kink- anything that strays from regular old in and out sex. Oral sex, using sex toys, fingering, as well as ‘typical’ kinky stuff all fall under the kink category
Dominant/top/domme- usually found in power-exchange play, the dominant is the person who takes control (does the tying up, smacking around, etc)
Submissive/bottom/sub- the counterpart to the dominant. The person who is controlled
Safety word- this is really important, especially if you do role-playing, S+M, or any kind of psychological domination. The safety word is a word you and your partner have agreed upon beforehand that the sub uses if they want to stop at anytime. A lot of people use colors: red for stop, yellow to mean ease up. If gagging or silence is part of what you guys are doing, the sub should be holding a set of keys or a ping pong ball that they can drop if they want to stop
Pervertibles- household/everyday items that can be used in sex
The Starter Kit or Essential Non-Essentials for Power Exchange, Light Restraining and Sensory Play:
Binding stuff: torn bed sheets, scarves, ties, nylon rope (10-20 ft) medical or electrician’s tape, handcuffs (the kind that take a pin key and double lock-no shitty toy cuffs or police grade), etc
Smacking stuff: flat of your hand, ping pong paddle, brush, yardstick etc.
Sensory stuff: blindfold, ice, candles (do your research-there are some candles that burn too hot to use on naked bodies), feather, clothespins, etc.
-A good place to start would be the blindfold. Because the blindfold takes away your sense of sight, it heightens all the other ones, like, you know, your sense of touch. With the blindfold, the touches themselves become more intense, plus there’s the anticipation of not knowing when or where your special friend is going to go next, which just heightens the whole experience. Once you have the blindfold on your honeybunches, start bringing in the ice, candle wax, etc. Blindfolding offers you the opportunity to really exploit of your partner’s sensitivity to temperature, sound, taste and texture. Use the element of surprise to your advantage.
Basic Knots or Everyone Can be a Boy Scout!
Square Knot:
Figure Eight Knot:
Overhand Knot:
When doing binding, make sure that you don’t cut off blood circulation or pinch a nerve. If the bindee has numb appendages or shooting pain because of the ties, loosen the knots or move them.
Only keep someone tied up for thirty minutes at a time, especially when you are just getting started. People who aren’t used to it have a weird psychological reaction to being restrained, kind of like when people flip out after half an hour of scuba diving. Keep your darling bottom from freaking out by letting them run around every once in a while.
Summation: The thing you have to keep in mind when getting into kink is that it’s all about choice. Kink encompasses so much stuff, from the occaisional smack on the ass to stocking fetishes to serious life control, that you have to pick and choose what you like and don’t like. One of the biggest mistakes is to assume that because you think a leather bodysuit is hot that you must also like to be tied up and flogged and should start going to S+M clubs every night. Not necessarily. Just because you like one aspect of kink doesn’t mean you’ll like everything. Human beings, after all, are weird, dirty little animals that get off on all kinds of different things. You just have to find what in particular suits you. That means talking to your partner(s) and being honest both with them and with yourself.
If you want to keep going, here are some websites to check out:
www.collaredncuffed.com
www.leathernroses.com
I’ll also recommend the movie “Secretary” with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader
*author chose to remain anonymous. My apologies to all the possibly offended Auntie Mabels out there
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